


this isnt gay

by spicy_icey



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack, I swear to God, M/M, SO, UPADATE, a hit, also he has adhd, denmark probably says lego at some point so i guess you can look forward to that, finished it and forgot to write lego, great everything, great plot, hes a boy i forgot to mention, kinda ya know, listen, maybe itll be like salty in the sea, me pingey?, mislead the reader a bit, oh and lukas, oh wait thats a good story title, okay wyd me i need to write, that science test gave me energy boost, the heteros will love it, theyre just bros, this iis some homo bro shit, this is gonna be the best thing of your life, this isnt gay, what kind of a monster am i, yah no thisll be trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:53:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10880064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicy_icey/pseuds/spicy_icey
Summary: this story isn't gay, aph denmark and aph norway are very straight characters. i promise. uuuhhh wait i have to think of a plot. okay so theyre ,, ya know,, straight. lets say this is human au and uh, they can WORK AT WALMART. genius. wow am i good at ideas. okay you read it and find out the rest you wont be disappointed its a crack fic.





	this isnt gay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my loaf gmc](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+loaf+gmc).



> i am s o sorry

it was a very normal day at Walmart, a few birds sneaked in, Sharon was making her daily rounds at the avocado section... and matthias? he was still straight. lukas too. both of them were straight. on this very ordinary day, matthias just so happened to be raiding the "break room" for cookie crumbs. "break room" meant the supply closet matthias stashed cookies in, a personal break-closet! come out of the closet, matt! but today he didn't come out, he decided he should dig a hole to china because this whole walmart business wasn't really what it was cracked up to be. sure, he could get his nails done for free at this weird flowery korean salon in the store, but he really wasn't fit for dealing with rednecks riding childrens bikes around the fishing sections anymore, that lost its charm. plus the other day he saw a guy missing his eye... soooo.. kinda awkward. he could make an entire list of weird occurrences in walmart! oh wait, he HAD. here it is:

\- weird polish man buys large amounts of hand towels... why?  
\- someone slipped a human toe in the ladies changing room  
\- the bathrooms smelled highly of something dying, but where?  
\- creepy trucks hanging around the store  
\- naked people  
\- those who enter walmart never leave  
\- my coworker Lukas Bondevik is extremely hot and that's not fair

huh? how did that get there lol. clearly written on accident because matthias was basically the straightest guy to hit the earth. the earth was a chick so of course he hit her with his powerful straight thighs. power. the closet had since gotten stuffy so it was as good a time as ever to get the hell out before it smelled like oranges again. on his way back to his station with the pet food (which he ate sometimes) he saw something hot. it was lukas!! he was sipping from one of those lunch room apple juice cartons, wow, what nice tired bags beneath his eyes. idea! approach.  
so ya know matthias did lukas an approach all straight-like and he kind of tripped on the way but he covered it up by muttering "extreme, dude" under his breath for extra hetero effect. he could tell lukas was gay because he was skinny and had fancy hair, so when he got to him, matthias decided to say something super smart. he's good at things like that.  
"ya know, we are all homo, homosapien" what a smart and relatable way to start off his conversation! lukas was like wtf and he looked at him like his eyes were some kind of attractive void of human existence. who was this mans? oh, matthias knew who this mans was. he was the twink who stole boxes of barbie-shaped gummies for his cats! nice......... what motivation,,,, what PERSISTENCE.  
"huh" THERE!!!!!!! Lukas' beautiful voice!! he speaks. and matthias had basically the best (worst) response ever because lukas looked like a cultured kinda guy : )

"O, speak again, bright angel! For thou art  
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head,  
As is a wingèd messenger of heaven  
Unto the white, upturnèd, wondering eyes  
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him  
When he bestrides the lazy-puffing clouds  
And sails upon the bosom of the air."

matthias thought he was smart, that was because what he thought he said was NOT what he said. what he really said was: "haha.. nice.... pretty angel hair...... ooo.. hot. i mean. not . hetero. aaaUGHJ" lukas took like five steps back because clearly a demon possessed this spike hair man, oh how scary. "wait,, join me in the game isle,, tonight at 8, you wont regret it, bro man dude straight slice hetero pal" matthias was askin him out on a bro date! lukas had nothing better to do and he kind of had a death wish so he agreed and the date was SET. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ l8r at 8r, sk8r ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "hallo lukas, i have,, arrive" matthias have arrive in his formal skateboarder hoodie and backwards hat.. heelies..... very appropriate for a skater date, i mean, hang out. lukas was dressed in his twink clothes, so just imagine anything really stupid and prudish. thats probably what he has on. It was offensive to matthias' eyes! ACH! how could he wear something like that? "take your clothes off" theyd since teleported to the game isle. "okay sure lol" he took off his CLOTHES. jus like he was asked. "and then what ;)" said matthias, who was not supposed to say that. he was probably supposed to touch his pingey or something "chuck my bengis," oh shoot lukas wanted him to chuck his bengis, woah "me... me pingey?" "you pingeY" woah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and in the most romantic place on earth! the walmart game section at 8:06 PM!! wow...

luckily, everyone was shopping at the target down the block as per the usual, so the greasy walmart halls were especially empty. too bad for you im at school and im not going to write this out but i will summarize.   
okay so matthias and lukas had some straight boy fun action, ya know, stuff like that. they uh,,,, well they slipped on a banana peel but it kinda added to the mood, sure, lukas had a concussion but they fell on each other like those yaoi things whatever they are. idk. 'twas wild. i think matthias got his hips stuck because he's old. very old and veery danish. anyways it was a pretty good time and matthias spent like his entire night thinking.... its not gay if you say no homo, right? no... it couldnt be..................................................  
well.  
maybe matthias was gay. the real treasure isnt your heterosexuality, its the friends you make along the way. the friend he made was lukas' dick. in walmart.

needless to say everyone found out on the security tapes and they were fired basically the next day. a real shame, for the beauty of love should outshine the mess they probably left behind.... love is love is love is love, as a wise prophet once said. i think,, their love never ended or even begun. its still beginning. matthias got over his hetero, it was the only way to really accept that he was spendin his nights with a m a n. a gay man. 2 gay mans. oh wait shit i have a song for this.. *ahem* they took you nightman and you dont belong to them......... they left me in a world without your sexy hands....... and i miss you nightman......... soooo badd.. i dont actually think that was even the song i was thinking about when i thought i had a song, thats actually a completely separate song but i think it was something about the passionate nightman. uhuhhhhhhhh.... is it the one like. One's on top and one's on bottom.. yah that one but idk all the words so thats all youre getting for now.. this is really short and really dumb so maybe i will have to make chapter 2..... they can go to an amusement park or something really weird. yooooooooooooo wtf someone just threw a spinner across the room. see like,, we have a sub in history today and ya know we had two worksheets but i kinda finished them in 10 minutes sooo... the first part of this story was written while i was supposed to be doin science homework but ya know thats not gonna fly so why not write some of this. oh wait. do you care, dear reader. okay u know what, as the cool kids say, YOLO. im gonna post this brb see u


End file.
